What does “Happy” look like?

So, I emailed my mom these Fendi glasses that I’m thinking of buying. She then texts me a picture of a pair of eyeglass frames that SHE wants me to buy. Please note that these glasses are $500 more than the Fendi glasses I want to buy. She was visiting back in November and took me to some super duper high end, expensive ass eyeglass store to help revamp my look. Looking at the picture that we took that day so I could see how I look in the frame (I can’t see shit without glasses. I often pick an ass frame because I can’t really see myself properly in them – you’d think I’d wear my contacts while eyeglass frame shopping no?)… Anyway, I was stuck on this picture! I remember that day. I was explaining to the eye glass lady (that’s what we’ll call her) that “I’m in this new phase in my life. I’m coming out of a depression, I’m revamping my look, blah..blah…blah…” I STILL look like that chubby chick in that picture! Damn! Damn! Damn!!

Then I scroll up in our chat history and I see a picture my Aunt took of me on Christmas. She sent it to my mom and my mom then sent it to me. Probably one of the worst photos I’ve seen of myself. My mom sent it with the text “I like the sweater.” When I called her to discuss my DISGUST about the photo, she admitted that she sent it to me as motivation. My mom’s a Gemini by the way. They play these kinds of mind games…

Fast forward back to today. I looked at those photos and got a little down. I’m unrecognizable. Whew! I keep having this stand still with myself. What is it going to take for you to get out of your own way? Consistency is my biggest problem. Hell, I even missed updating this blog a couple of times! And you want to know what’s wild, everything is within my control. There’s no reason why I still look like the chick in the photo my Aunt took.

You know, now that I’m out of my depression, it sometimes feels like I have so much work to do to get my swag back, I get overwhelmed and fall back into bad habits. Like, I said I was going to be plant based and while I’ve given it effort, I must confess that that has included multiple trips to get vegan buffalo wings. Like MULTIPLE trips…like a ridiculous number of trips…

In talking about my depression with people, I’ve hesitated to say that I’m happy. I’m in a purgatory type of situation. Like I’m not sad, but I’m not necessarily happy because I still have a lot of, let’s call it, “longing”. I long to lose weight, I long to move to NYC, I long for this bomb ass stand up comedy career, etc…I long all day long. I was wondering what I was feeling and couldn’t put my finger on it. Like I’m not sad but I’m not necessarily content. How ’bout I was talking to my homie today about my feelings, and trying to figure out why I keep getting stuck. I talked about how I need to reinvent myself and why people feel the need to re-invent themselves. That’s literally the theme for today. The fat photos, our discussion and I just so happen to be watching a movie about a teenage girl that decides to reinvent herself….like I literally started watching it before I realized that the universe is tryna send me the message that I need to follow through with my plan! Chile, I know the universe and my guardian angel stay giving me the side eye….anyway, in regards to why people choose to re-invent themselves he dropped a jewel about happiness, something I’d never heard before. He stated that happiness is the distance between the life you’ve envisioned for yourself and your reality. The closer those two are. The happier you are.

What does happiness look like for you? 

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