You Can Have Whatever You Like…

Except a comedy career that you didn’t earn…let’s put a pause on that though…

How y’all doing? So, I made a last minute trip to Cleveland. My mom was getting an award from her job and me and my Aunt went to show her some love. She’s beefing with the rest of my family in Cleveland so we had to show up to show her some love. Anyway, needless to say, I was out here doing bald headed hoe shit, dibbling and dabbling in fuckery and well…I’m still shaped like a thumb. I’m getting back on my shit though because Y’ALL, we flicked it up at my mom’s award ceremony and I straight up looked like Mrs. Potato head. (I can come at me, you can’t). Anyway, my birthday is coming up in August and I am NOT going to be on that bullshit…

Now, on to TIP. Terrorist In Pantomime. I’m all for going for yours, doing everything you want to do in life, I myself am about to get into hand modeling (I’ll tell ya’ll about that later. I have BEAUTIFUL hands!)…but you need to understand that when you start something new, you need to learn about what the fuck it is you’re trying to do. There are MAD unspoken rules of comedy. Comedians know them because we show up, pay dues (learn what the fuck we’re doing – WE consider comedy to be a craft, and with any craft you must be a studious student) and practice, practice, practice, PRACTICE. I hate practicing…and when I don’t, it shows.

At first when TI announced that he would start doing comedy, I was indifferent. I didn’t think twice about it even though my peers were up in arms. But THEN, when this nigga started popping up on my timeline showing his arrogant attitude towards my peers, HIS FUCKING PEERS and how this this nigga was going OUT OF HIS WAY to break every rule in comedy, I started to take notice.

First of all, I do not consider TI a comedian. He is an aspirational open-micer at best and a bored nigga on stage going through a mid life crisis at worst. You may have earned your accolades as a rapper, but that shit doesn’t just transfer over to comedy. This shit is a fucking ART FORM in it’s own right…and it’s hard. You gotta be at this shit for YEARS before you get really good at…damn sure good enough to play at an arena. WHAT IN THE FUCK!?! Absolutely WILD that he gets to get on these massive stages and get these bomb ass opportunities and he doesn’t even have a tight 5! A tight 5!! Stand up comics are supposed to make the audience laugh every 15 sec. That’s 4 laughs per min. That’s 20 laughs a 5 min set…and hat’s on the mediocre end of the spectrum. You ain’t got that but you have the audacity to open your mouth and say that stand up isn’t hard? Nigga how would you even know? You AIN’T even a comedian yet.

So let’s talk about these rules for a minute – my bad y’all, I went on a bit of a tangent…First rule, the headliner is KING. That is their show. The audience is coming to see them! At no point in time is it ever okay to demand to 1. Ask for a guest spot when you don’t even have a tight 5, and 2. Demand to go after the headliner. The ONLY time I’ve seen that happen was in NYC, they usually let a comic go after the headliner and do 5 min. This is to entertain the audience while they settle their tabs. It’s a shitty spot and it’s part of paying your dues but no comic ever that has been given that spot deluded themselves into thinking they are a headliner.

Another big rule in comedy – don’t run the light! If your set time is 5 min, at no time should your ass be on stage for 40 fucking minutes! AGAIN, you don’t even have a tight 5! Can you imagine how exhausted the audience must’ve been to listen nigga musings for 40 min straight? Argh! I’d literally ask for my money back. Let me tell you why this is trash…1. – it exhausts the audience, so the next comic pretty much has an uphill battle trying to make the audience laugh after you’ve pissed them off doing too much. Only people that can do shit like this are actual comedians and I mean REAL comedians. I headlined at Caroline’s once and Bill Bellamy did a set after me – only because he was late and got caught in the rain – but still, that’s Bill FUCKING Bellamy! I was happy as shit when he popped up! I’ve heard of Chris Rock, Kevin Hart, Amy Schumer and a bunch of other famous comedians THAT PEOPLE ARE DELIGHTED TO SEE, pop in and do guest spots. People let them rock out because it’s a treat. Not a burden. Lastly (point 2) it makes the show longer! Now, again, if funny ass superstars pop up, the audience doesn’t care. They get their fave comedian at a discounted price. That’s a win for them! They’re in a great mood. Nobody’s tripping. They feel lucky…but if you ain’t talking about shit for what seems like forever, the audience is OVER it and ready to go!

The BIGGEST rule that he broke, which got me hot, was the rule that everyone knows, even the audience, DON’T HECKLE COMEDIANS. When he started yelling at the comic, unantagonized, I couldn’t believe that shit. Nigga what?! We don’t do that. She’s up there trying to work and you’re harassing her? What the fuck is wrong with you!?! Now I tell you what, she’s better than me, because as soon as he got on stage and forced himself on me to grip me up and hug me, that would’ve been a lawsuit. Then to call her all kinds of names, get on a SECOND mic to talk over her and get his 4 bodyguards to intimidate her…un-fucking-believable.

I’m sure he’ll break even more rules and continue to embarrass himself but I’ve decided I’m here for it. Pride comes before the fall and he is definitely arrogant as fuck. I watched that footage of his ass getting booed at least 10 times…because it’s what he deserved! I’m sure he’ll get tired of bombing and hire a writer…I heard through the grapevine (we comedians talk) that he already had someone write his last set in ATL…but again, that was hearsay. Anyway, you can pay for writers, you can use your celebrity status to bully comedians and push your way on to stages that you lack the comedic talent to perform on, BUT you can’t pay for respect you gotta earn that shit. I think Eddie Murphy once said, “you can’t go far in this business if your peers don’t respect you.”…don’t quote me on that but I do recall him saying that shit….anyway, let’s see how far he goes. TI’s biggest problem is that he thinks comedians like Dave Chappelle are his peers…no Nigga. We are. You ain’t a superstar comedian. You’re a rap superstar. That ain’t the same thing. I think this is where his unwillingness to actually learn how to be funny comes from, because he thinks being a famous rapper entitles him to a comedy career. That attitude is what’s going to keep him from whatever the fuck he’s trying to achieve. People will let you perform because you’re TIP but they ain’t going to be paying to see you perform. A rap career does not a comedian make. 

Anyway, toodles ya’ll. Talk to y’all next week. Hope my black ass can get my shit together. I’m on here coming at TI but I can’t seem to find my way to the gym. Yikes on Bikes! At least I don’t lack self awareness like someone we know…

Cheers Niggas!

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